...Female Hacker? || Grey Frequency - July 2004

Something has been on my mind since the topic was first brought to me. I never really put any thought into it and now for some reason I feel at a loss. I have decided to sit here staring at a screen until the words come out. I feel it under my skin: the need to vent, ramble or in some other way purge this from my system. What is it like to be a female hacker?

I suppose I should try to first determine what my definition of 'hacker' is. The first thought that crosses my mind is 'computer geek' whenever I run off to a 2600 meeting I just tell people, "I am going to a computer thing." Why don't I just explaining that I am going to a 2600 meeting? I dislike how people immediately think I am doing something harmful or illegal. I do not want to spend my time expressing things I would not do but support, things I would do and what things I might disagree with.

Okay, thus far I have just managed to confuse myself a little more. I will return to the concept of defining 'hacker.' I remember telling my friend how I did not see myself as a hacker because there was so much I knew I could not do with computers. He told me it was a state of mind. Since then I have accepted when others called me a 'hacker' because I think sometimes I am in that state of mind.

Time to define what I consider the state of mind to be (myself personally) defined as a hacker. When a challenge is before me, I tend to work on it very thoroughly. It's like when I am at work and the color copier is not working and I walk over and adjust the paper tray and try again. I sit there for as long as it takes until what is needed suddenly prints before me. Most people at the office are technophobes and I joke in my lazy manner, "If it does not do my bidding when I ask nicely, then I beat it into submission."

I believe that the mental state of a hacker is simple. It does not matter if you are experimenting with cooking temperatures for cookies, getting a copier to work or opening a lock without a key. It does not matter if you are unraveling the mysteries of some piece of technology, someone's mind or even some abandoned building. There is a way to do what is needed. There are answers to every puzzle, riddle or problem that comes your way. You will sit there and work on it until the solution is discovered or you have invented your very own.

Just now I have overcomplicated my personal definition of a hacker. I see a hacker as someone who knows the world of possibilities. If you really want to do anything then you /can/ do anything.

Well, wasn't that just nice and fluffy. I took a long sidetrack just to make certain that my triple-Virgo self understands. Let us go back to beginning. I have defined for myself what a hacker is and left out part of the first question. What is it like to be a female hacker? This opens the door for another question. Does gender make a difference?

Whoa, stop and breathe. I need to simplify or something. I have a tendency to overwhelm myself by throwing the whole world of details when trying to understand, define or explain something. To control my more chaotic thoughts I will now narrow down my window of thoughts. In my experience I have never been fully associated with the term 'hacker' unless I am actively being social at 2600 meetings or around those I have gotten to know at such meetings. The only other time would've been while I was at a HOPE conference. This narrows things down to a community (sometimes lovingly called 'sub-culture') of people that do tend to love technology and such. At these places there are significantly less females present. To be completely honest I have no idea what the true statistics are in regard to this topic.

I think that last paragraph was mostly ramble. Here is my new, more detailed, question: What is it like to be a female hacker while being social in a hacker environment? After much thought (and rambling typing) I see life as often contradictory when I am in a place that labels me as a female hacker.

I do not know many women that share my interests and when I approach other female hackers I have always been treated in an extreme way. Some warmly welcome my presence and allow me to freely speak my thoughts. Some seem to push me away and act like creatures marking their territory. Sometimes the very way you dress or appear can be a subject of compliment or harsh ridicule.

Males react in various ways as well. Some see a girl and greatly encourage her to stick around. The prospect of fresh blood is enticing. Also finding someone of the opposite sex that immediately has something in common… bonus. However, some males immediately seem to feel threatened by a female hanging around. It seems that women have been used to lure information with their feminine wiles in order to find ways to incriminate people.

Terms like 'scenewhore', 'nark' and even 'newbie' are often used in derogatory ways as if attempting to be a deterrent when I first set out to meet others. Sexually perverse conversations were often used as tests as if to see where my personal threshold was. I was grilled with questions that begged to know what I knew and what could I do. Yet for every expletive, insult or deterrent, there were people that recognized curiosity and aided me when I felt like I was walking on a rocky path.

What is it like to be a female hacker, everyday? I suppose it is like anything else in this world. You have your good days and your bad days. Some moments, that include insults or pains experienced still taught me great lessons. Sometimes I find it frustrating when I am trying to be myself while dodging the limits others have attempted to chain to me. Other moments, like discovering something previously unknown to my little world, are worth cherishing.

In the end, I think being a female hacker is easy. It is just like breathing. It is just something I am. Perhaps it is even advantageous. There are times that my gender has made it easy to be social and there have been times I have been grossly underestimated. In the end it does not matter if the other girls accept you or if the guys think you are just a distraction. All that matters is that (whatever your gender is) you let your curiosity take flight and continue to unravel the mysteries around you great and small alike.

So there it is. I no longer feel burdened by the thought of not having an answer or a thought to share if someone ever asks me what it is like to be a female hacker. In truth I feel more at ease with myself than before.